Before kick-off, your football WhatsApp group is relatively civilised.
A few team sheets. A couple of score predictions. Someone asking what pub everyone’s meeting in.
By full-time?
Absolute carnage.
Someone’s blaming VAR.
Someone’s posting the same celebration GIF for the twelfth time.
Someone’s mysteriously disappeared after confidently predicting a 4-0 win.
It doesn’t matter whether there are six people in your group or sixty.
Every football WhatsApp chat has these characters…
1. The Early Predictor
They’ve already posted their prediction on Tuesday.
Not because they know anything.
Because they like everyone to know they were first.
They’ll confidently predict a 3-1 away win against the league leaders…
…then completely forget about it until someone digs out the screenshot afterwards.
2. Mr “It’s Nailed On”
Everything is nailed on.
Every accumulator.
Every first goalscorer.
Every “banker”.
Every weekend.
By Saturday evening they’ve somehow landed one out of eight.
Still backs the same strategy next week.
3. The VAR Expert
Never once agreed with a VAR decision.
Ever.
If it goes for his team…
“Clear penalty.”
Against his team…
“Game’s gone.”
4. The Ghost
Can’t make the pub.
Can’t watch the game.
Can’t reply before kick-off.
Can’t celebrate afterwards.
Can’t explain why they vanished for three days after finishing bottom of the prediction league.
Miraculously reappears the moment they get one prediction right.
5. The Statistician
Possesses an alarming amount of information.
Did you know Brentford have only won once away on a Tuesday after an international break?
You do now.
None of it actually improves their predictions.
6. Captain Hindsight
Never predicts anything beforehand.
But somehow always knew exactly what was going to happen afterwards.
“I said they’d struggle.”
No you didn’t.
We all checked.
7. The GIF Merchant
Communicates almost entirely through memes.
Wins? GIF.
Loss? GIF.
Red card? GIF.
Manager sacked?
Definitely GIF.
8. The Optimist
“This is our year.”
Every year.
Usually starts saying it sometime around July.
By November they’re explaining why next season looks promising.
9. The One Who Takes It Far Too Seriously
Keeps spreadsheets.
Updates tables immediately.
Queries bonus points.
Appeals decisions.
Has read the league rules more times than the Highway Code.
Would probably request VAR in a five-a-side game.
10. The Banter King
The one everyone secretly hopes turns up.
Always first with the joke.
Never misses an opportunity.
Knows exactly when to stop.
The reason the group still exists.
Because football is brilliant…
…but football with your mates is even better.
The best bit?
If you’ve been reading this thinking…
“That’s definitely Dave.”
“…that’s Mike.”
“…that’s 100% our group admin.”
Congratulations.
Your football WhatsApp group is perfectly normal.
And which one are you?
Be honest.
You’re probably not the one you think you are.
See you in The Changing Room.
β Guy
Your turn.
Every football group thinks they're unique...
Until they realise they've got exactly the same characters as everyone else.
Who's the first person that came to mind while reading this and who did we miss?
Drop it in the comments. There's every chance they'll see it... and deny it.
π Join the Teamsheet!
- β½ Football fan. Prediction league bottler. Still convinced this is our season.
- πΊ Usually found in the pub before kick-off.
- π± Admin of at least one WhatsApp group that's permanently muted.
